Always in The Words
by Truth27
Summary: An unexpected hostage injury brings two people back together who have a lot left to say. Barson.
1. Undiscovered Mornings

Do you know what's it's like to be isolated? It's not a state in our environment, earnestly. It's a feeling in your chest, a unique pulse, a growing animal. An emotion he suppressed for numerous reasons - yet as an argumentative man himself, he always found a way to overrule the voices. But if he learned anything from his old co-worker, Olivia Benson, just because you walk away, doesn't mean it goes away - it never does.

He had spent the last year trying to avoid the part of Manhattan that had consumed this life, in all ways literal and physical. His old streets and paths to work, the images of his office still potent in his mind; as well as the SVU offices. He still stands by the concept that he had to step away, find a new path, but he also knew that some paths lead home. Undoubtably with the odd jobs and cases he's found on said path, he's still manifested a spark of joy in his daily life. But he was missing something.

Of course, he knew himself as any persons should; why did he suddenly feel the urge to fill this isolation he's had since he was sixteen years old? Now middle-aged, successful and content with his daily observations, what's the difference? Funny. How such a simple question could stump him for so long. He knew - it was in his words, wrapped on the edge of his tongue. He almost let them slip, on that last day. His adrenaline pumped as he walked away, but that night with a bottomless glass of scotch, he knew he couldn't stay away from ever. Every morning he woke up, and wondered if it would be the day he would reach for his phone, and call. Or show up unannounced to see his old squad family. He felt desperate for familiarity, and closure, but also to finish something he started the first day he shook hands with Olivia Benson.

He recalled cracking a joke as he strode across the court floor, so it could be the alibi to his smile that was really about her. He was overjoyed to be paired with someone who might have been as stubborn, if not more, then himself. Finally, a true partner against crime. She became his anchor, as the seasons changed, she was always there, behind him in the court room or a call away. But this new emptiness was not one he expected; as he was in denial that since that first day, he was committed to the last.

So there he was, a raining July morning, staring at the ceiling. The white finishing had imperfect marks, and his breathing was calm as he was awoken ten minutes before his alarm was set to go off, per usual. He could hear the rain hitting the roof of his top-floor apartment, and listened as the thunder encapsulated his hard-hitting emotions. He had a gut-instinct in his chest, something was wrong. The same undeniable feeling he got when a witness on the stand was misleading their practiced testimony. He shifts to his side, and sat up swinging his feet over the bed, staring at the rain hitting the window. Why was something wrong? What made today different?

He jumped at the sound of his phone, and coherently took him a few passing moments to realize it was not his alarm, it was a phone call. He glanced at the caller ID, it was labeled Mercy Hospital. He snatched the phone, in a panic, thinking his mother was sick.

"Hello this is Barba." He could feel his blood-pressure rising. The sound of a young girl answered, most likely a nurse. "Hello, Mr. Barba. My name is Nina Ridel, and I'm calling from the Emergency Room at Mercy Hospital, I am a nurse assistant here." Before he could open his mouth to spit out an array of questions, he couldn't even fit a breath in before she spoke again, "I've been told by those accompanying Detective Olivia Benson, that you may want to come in. There has been an incident, Ms. Benson is in critical condition." Barba could feel his entire mouth dry up, and couldn't even shallow. He spoke a few nervous words to the nurse before grabbing his coat and hastily getting dressed. As he opened the door, he almost had a heart attack as his morning alarm went off. He practically broke his phone trying to shut it off before rushing out of his apartment, not even locking the door.

Upon his arrival, he was filled with red and tearful expressions of faces he recognized and others he didn't. The entire precinct, Olivia's squad, and others filled the corridors of the hallways. Hushed voices clutched cups of coffee, the police officers shoulders looking heavy. However, at the sight of their former ADA, all heads turned in a mix of deep sorrow and relief. Barba saw Noah in a glass room playing with the babysitter Lucy. He could tell Noah knew something was wrong, but kept mostly obvious due to a bright red firetruck.

Amanda Rollins was the first to rush over to him, followed by Carisi. Amanda searched his face and was at a loss of words. "Amanda," Barba opened his mouth, a throat full of questions but was paralyzed. "Tell me she's still here." He chocked out the words. She nodded quickly. Her eyes bloodshot.

Carisi decided to speak for the wordless Rollins, place his hand on her shoulder. "Olivia was in a hostage situation. She was held there for hours, assaulted. But she refused to leave the three children and mother being kept there." Carisi looked towards the ground and cleared his throat. Fin walked up behind them and nodded at Barba, who tried to mask his face of extreme fear with his stoic court face. But he wasn't fooling anyone. "We had the house surrounded, but when Olivia went to disarm him from shooting one of the kids, he turned and shot her instead." Fin looked at the ground as Carisi turned away, in tears. Fin added, "It was close range. Lots of bleeding." Fin shoved his hands in his pockets as Amanda turned and buried her face in Carisi's chest.

Barba removed his blazer hastily then realized he had nowhere to go. He could do nothing. There was nowhere to run. Fin stepped around the emotional, and now seemingly couple and looked at Barba who was at a loss of words, for the first time. He gently gestured him to the side and was in a hushed voice. "Rafael," Rafael took a side step never hearing his first name from the hard-hitting and veteran detective before. "She asked for you, you know." He let the words sink in, and his face sunk in utter sadness. "While they were loading her in the bus, I was holding her bullet wound while they were added compression. She said, bring Noah, call Rafael." He stressfully messaged his hands as if he could still feel the tension in his knuckles from holding his weight over Liv's abdomen.

Rafael was in shock, again. He wanted to throw up, or pass out, maybe scream. Or all three would be nice. "Can I see her?" He felt his eyes water, the fear of it being too late to tell her was unraveling in his chest. "She still in…" His voice trailed off as he saw two doctors in surgery garments emerge from the Personal Only doors. Rafael turned around and was relieved that they didn't remove their hair caps yet. Everyone rushed over to hear the verdict. The attending doctor spoke, "It was a long surgery. She's in critical condition but we feel strongly about the surgery and feel it will be a successful outcome. The next twenty-four hours will be the most crucial and hardest. Is there a family member here to represent…?"

A mix of relieved sighs, sobs and claps filled the room. Yet to Rafael's shock, Amanda turned around and pointed to the once ADA, "Him. Rafael, he will represent." The room fell silent, and all heads turned to him. Amanda gave him a smirk and nod as he slowly made his way through the crowd of stunned faces. Amanda walked next to him slowly and whispered, "They only let one person in besides Noah. She asked for you, you should be there, not someone else." He nodded at her, grateful for her quick thinking. The police offers cleared a path as he followed the doctors down what felt like a never-ending corridor. Shocked regarding the events of the day proceeding. He wanted to understand the situation before bringing a terrified Noah into the room. His heart was racing, as the doctor spoke. "She's been coming out of medications. She'll be exhausted. If at any point she starts to not be able to pronounce properly or speak, let one of us know immediately."

Rafael walked into the moderately sized hospital room and felt a sense of horror and relief. All the machines and wires blinking and buzzing attached to a person he had the upmost respect for, a woman he hasn't seen in a year. He walked into the room slowly. Her brown hair slightly covering her face as he read was turned to the side. An oxygen mask covering her lips and nose. The doctor squeezed Rafael's shoulder and walked out. Rafael rushed over and sat in the chair next to the bed, seemingly placed for him. He gently reached over and touched her pale hand, an IV taped on top. When he touched her skin he felt an electric shock. The void in his chest filling, a sense of reconnection. He immediately found himself thinking of the day he left her, her gloved hand found his as tears gathered on the edge of her eyes.

He stared at her face intently, begging to see her eyes again. He never knew how desperately he needed to see them. He readjusted his hand that clasped with hers, and could feel the twitching of her fingers. Her head nodded slightly against the pale hospital pillow and her eyes fluttered open. He let out an unexpected sob of relief. The well of emotions he was holding back, was inevitably cracked, and he began to sob and not be able to control his breaths. His shield was down, and not only did it fall but it shattered on the floor.

He dropped his head to the bed and cried, in a way he would've never expected despite the situation. She moved more abruptly adjusting herself to get a better look at her guest. He lifted his head and starred at her. She reached up slowly and gently removed the oxygen masked pressed to her face. "Rafael." Her voice was cracked, and it was all it took for him to conjure up a whole new set of tears. "Liv," He barely could speak. He was unsure if he was crying as his void was getting filled, if it's because of her situation or because it's been a year since he's seen her face. He grabbed her hand and pressed it to his face, afraid to let go over her. She cried to, and opened her mouth when Rafael spoke, "Noah, he's with Lucy. He's okay. Do you want me to get him?" He moved back quickly, the old familiarity of their previous boundaries coming back like muscle memory. "Not yet. I want to be a little stronger before, so…he doesn't…" She inhaled deeply, "Get too concerned." Her eyes filled with tears and studied his face.

Rafael had so much to say but didn't know how to say it. So he was grateful when her stubbornness was the first to say something to relieve the looming question in his mind. "When I was shot, I saw my life flash before my eyes." She paused and closed her eyes. He stayed silent and rubbed his thumb overtop her hand. "I saw everyone, mostly my squad and Noah. But I kept seeing you. I relived that the day with you. It was like…" He voice cracked up emotional again, "It was happening all over again."

Silence again filled the room, besides the passing voices outside and the monitors. "I knew that if I survived I would regret it, that day, not telling you what I didn't." He opened his mouth to speak but he knew neither of them had too. He leaned over and kissed her forehead as he did that day, and kept his face hovering over hers, afraid to move. "I've regretted not saying anything, everyday. I thought of you, and Noah, every passing morning. I kept thinking every time my phone went off it was you, I hoped it was you. When I got a call from the hospital today, I thought I was too late…to…tell you that…"

Suddenly the monitors alarmed as his phone did that morning. Olivia's body went into a seizure, and her eyes rolled behind her head. Rafael was stunned, and screaming her name, his ears ringing, but it was all a blur. The nurses grabbed his shoulders and forced him out of the room, the oak door slamming in his face.


	2. When It Rains

Do you know what it's like to be isolated? He knew now, for sure. Its color was a light oak wood, and the feeling of being allergic to oxygen. He stared at the door for what felt like hours before a few medical personals pushed him gently out of the way. In his rational mind, it was more likely to have been seconds. He fought himself immensely; his ears wanting to tune out the noise while he strained himself to listen to the muffled voices behind the door.

He backed himself, literally, into the hallway wall, trying to distribute his weight to not fall onto the ground. He's had many cases in court, in the office and at home where he wanted to pass out from stress, but this was different. This was the feeling of life being over, and it saddened him greatly; he's felt this before. Every time one of his police friends, or Olivia, was to-casually mentioned to have had a gun to their head while he was having his morning coffee, it pressed on his chest.

A nurse technician shuffled him back into the waiting room, after explaining that Olivia had to re-enter emergency surgery due to more internal bleeding. By now only essentials remained and others have cleared out of the hospital. Her intimate squad hung around together with lowered heads and half-drunk cardboard coffee cups. A few passing footsteps, scratches from a clipboard and a ticking clock was the only noises that added wavelength to the silence. Lucy had taken Noah to her mother's house, with no objection from Noah. To his knowledge he knew Noah loved Lucy's family, and would very much have no oblige to a long weekend in upstate New York.

Finally, a technician came out and said that she had gotten through yet another surgery, but they were withholding visitors until she was once again stabilized and more cognitive from the medication. Carisi spoke to break the tired tension between the group, "What did she tell you Rafael?" Carisi continued to look at the ground, running his thumb over the coffee cup edge.

"We um…" Rafael still couldn't find his words. "Spoke very little, before she…seized." He clenched his jaw in the hopes of masking his emotions, once again. But he was in a room full of detectives, it was pointless.

Rafael took a deep breath, "You know what I did realize while sitting there?" All the familiar faces he knew, a family buried deep in his chest, looked up. "I didn't try hard enough." He paused trying to collect his thoughts, "I don't know about the rest of you. But I spent a lot of time in her office, with a closed door. She needed a friend, and I'd always have nothing to say. This is Olivia Benson, she's…extraordinary, brilliant, but also tough." The rest of the squad had mixed looks of guilt on their faces. "And when I sat next to her, I realized how much I cared, and how much I didn't say…despite my job that pays me to me a good talker." His voice choked and he inhaled a rattling breath.

Amanda reached over and placed her hand on his shoulder. "Rafael…you're being too hard on yourself." He shook his head, "Remember the first night or two, when Olivia was being dragged through the ringer about Noah's bruise?" Tears fell down his cheeks, a very out of characteristic move for the stubborn AD. Everyone nodded, thinking of the ordeal that derailed their friend. "I was sitting on the edge of her desk. She was near tears, telling me about how she asked for the loaded gun to be pointed at her, when trying to disarm the victim. She was horrified, claiming that she had a son, yet she asked to have the gun pointed at her." He struggled to speak, "All I did was tap her on the shoulder, and walk out."

Rollins removed her hand and instead put her hands against her face, the edge of time wearing on everyone's emotions like bleach. "Rafael," Fin spoke after a few moments. "She asked for you, and it was for a reason. I've known Liv a long time, that means something." That earned a tired laugh amongst the group. The AD managed a small smile. "I'm sorry, I didn't come back and see you guys sooner. You all mean a lot to me." If that bloody confession, from the most stubborn man alive, didn't cause tears from the squad, nothing would.

A few hours had passed and finally they allowed visitors in the ICU. This time, however, everyone got their rounds to talk to Liv, who as usual had an "it's fine" mentality. She already was bouncing back, and had an edge of disappointment when she couldn't see her son. However, she also seemed relieved as her energy was low. She finally convinced her squad to go home, and rest, as her absence would only double their workload to come. A few more personal precincts called and offered relief support to the SVU offices. However, while Olivia was a one for words, she was no match for the former ADA. Rafael refused to leave his seat, and held the same expression of concern that he had in many debriefings as they collected evidence over the years. He was heavily attentive and listening deeply to every piece of medical advice that walked in and out of the door. He was even tempted to take notes with a pen in the same way he does on a court desk, but he also knew Olivia would slap it out of his hand. In no way was it appropriate for either of them to pick up their previous conversation, but he wanted to, it clawed at his tongue.

Olivia drifted off to sleep a few times, a side effect of all the stress her body endured. Given Olivia's status and Barba's job, no staff even tried to pick a fight to get him to leave after visiting hours. He drifted off himself, various times. But took it upon himself to observe watching her sleep. She looked relaxed. His brain started to wonder. She probably usually sleeps on her right side, he noticed her nose twitches when she sleeps. He wanted to know what it would be like to see that when he was going to sleep or waking up in the mornings. He shook the thought, he had to take small steps. The void in his chest filling at an alarming rate. He pondered if that was how love was. Did he just think of that word. He wanted to yell at himself, but realized he was guilty as that word often came up in his mind when looking at Olivia Benson.

Around three in the morning Olivia was awake, and was denied medication to relax. She had so many different types of medications in her system, she sadly would only be allowed a sedation if needed. The trauma that was slowly seeping back into her memory was clear in her expression, she looked uneasy as bits and pieces from the previous few nights had come to memory.

"Rafael," Her voice was at a whisper, as if she had to be courteous that it was late hours. He raised an eyebrow, his elbow propped up against the edge of her bed. She smiled and looked down at the IV in her hand. "Sorry, muscle memory of not waking up a kid in the house." Her voice was still horse but typical of a detective who was always quick to recover from pretty much any incident. She continued to speak with an inhale, "Thank you, for staying." Rafael gestured to open his mouth when Olivia held up her hand. "When I blacked out, the only thing I thought about before I was unconscious is I was glad the last person I might see was you." Her words were genuine; and while she had medication still seeping in her veins it was clear she was being truthful.

Rafael had to stand up and do a typical lawyer pace around the room to control his overwhelming emotions. He placed his hand over his eyes and could feel the hot salty tears press against his palm. "Liv, I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have left…I shouldn't have…" Exhaustion muddled his words he didn't know what to say. Once again, he had no idea what to do. The _I shouldn't have left_ statement could fit almost every interaction he had with her. As usual, her voice, brought him back to focus, "Rafael. Rafael, look at me…" He stopped and ran his hands through his hair, despite his thrown together suit, his undone tie made him look wounded and disheveled. Finally, when they had eye contact, she spoke softly, "You never left."

 _Why do we do this Rafael?_

The words echoed in his head as he sat up, jolting from his bed in a hot sweat. _If it's fair, it's just._ His own voice recorded in his head from a memorable case, and day. He had probably never shouted louder in court then that day – just as he wanted to scream this morning. He wanted to stay in the hospital every night, but Olivia finally convinced him the best thing for him was to go back to his apartment, and pull himself together. Olivia wasn't going to be released until around noon that day; but he had a feeling of anxiety pitted in his chest. What was going to happen now? How long would she be out of work? How was she going to take care of Noah? Would the IPB remove her from her position and throw her on desk duty forever? Should she even go back? The questions threw an arraignment of emotions in his mind. Then the only question that made his breath hold for a few moments was, _what are you going to tell her?_ He stared at the ceiling as he did a few days ago. He was angry with himself. It took her almost dying to finally release his stubbornness and go confess his emotions, almost.

He got dressed as he usually does but with a sense of consciousness, in fact, he may be overly aware of what he was doing. He checked his watch every few minutes, anxious. He didn't know how to act. He didn't taste his breakfast and forgot to put creamer in his coffee. He had his pre-court jitters times one-hundred that morning, trying to run through the points in his head as he would a trail. But it was hard to ask questions to himself, a person he's calling to the stand. His phone vibrated, of which he reached for at an inhumanly alarming rate, afraid something happened. To his surprise it was Rollins.

 _I've got Liv, they released her early. I was on the caller list. I brought her back to her apartment, and I'm taking a statement to IPB on her behalf, if you want to come see her._

He smirked, Rollins knew he was guilty.


	3. Perspective

He had mixed emotions of running through the apartment door or pulling himself together. He went with the latter and swallowed deeply despite having no spit in his mouth from his nerves. He knocked on the door, the handle immediately twisting open revealing Amanda who placed herself ajar in the doorway looking Rafael up and down quickly. "IPB is about to pull my hair out." She stepped out into the hallway and shut the door.

"How is she?" Rafael watched as an anxious Amanda shoved her blonde hair behind her ear.

"Being the usual Olivia. If it wasn't for the orange pill bottle and the white bandages, you wouldn't have guessed she was even wounded."

Rafael shifted uneasily, "She's fine, Barba." Rollins crossed her arms and leaned against the wall opposite of him. She took a deep breath, "When do we stop? You know?" She paused, "How much more can she take of these situations, any of us?" Rollins chewed on the edge of her lip.

"Leaving gave me a lot of perspective about the job and its stress." He stopped for a minute. "But it also gave me perspective about what I had." He looked at his hands, his shoulders feeling tense. Rollins nodded satisfied with the former ADA's statement. Rollins adjusted her purse and started to walk down the hallway. As Rafael reached for the door she stopped and turned around. "Time, it's a funny thing, isn't it?" She gave a smirk and started to walk down the hallway to the elevator. Rafael stayed frozen on the handle contemplating a million things that could've met.

He opened the door and walked inside, Olivia was sitting on the couch, facing the window and watching the rain. She turned and smiled at Rafael. "How are you?" She sounded like herself, but her eyes spoke differently. "I should be asking you that." He dropped his jacket onto the edge of the armchair and looked around, noticing how clean the apartment was. She noted his speculation. "Noah comes home tomorrow morning. Amanda helped clean up the apartment so I don't further injure myself with imprisoned stuffed animals." That earned a slight laugh as Rafael took a seat on the couch. "I never trusted that elephant." He mumbled. Olivia looked at him, differently, in pain. It was a different pain from her injuries. He looked around at the apartment he had grown to know and felt this pulsing in his chest, he missed it. It felt like home.

The two adults sat in silence for a few moments. "Do you want to talk about it, what happened?" He treaded lightly, not wanting to get her emotional. She looked down. "IPB had me say it repeatedly. Yet, it doesn't feel real. You know? None of this feels real." She looked at him. He felt vulnerable, and suddenly had a wave of impending anxiety. "Liv, you didn't let me finish before but I do owe you an apology." She cut him off. "Don't. You do not. You did what you did, after what happened with that case, I would've done the same thing." She shook her head looking at the ground closing her eyes.

"What are you going to do now?" He asked adjusting himself on the couch. She looked at him, "I've done this for so long. I've met and connected with so many people. Hundreds of victims, bystanders, co-workers…lawyers." He smirked. She continued, "So that becomes what you know. That is your entire life. It's so many colors and shades of colors. But I need to remember that sometimes things are black and white, and right in front of me." He looked up at her, knowing she was intelligently rephrasing their final conversation in front of the courthouse. He clenched his jaw and had to look away, emotional.

"I was slammed with hard cases immediately after you left. But every second I was alone in my office I kept hoping you'd walk through the door. Nothing has felt the same." She pinched the bridge of her nose. She added shaking her head, "I've had a lot of people I care about walk out of those doors. But…" He looked up basked in her honesty. "This was different." She finished. He didn't know what to say, he had a million things he wanted to just let out, but both of them knew better. If they poured out all the emotions too soon it could cause an explosion. But the former ADA was smart and had a way with making impactful statements in one breath, a few compact words.

"Liv, when I got the call that you were in critical condition…it felt like my life was over." He barely finished the latter half, as his emotions welled up in his chest. She was intelligent, they weren't cutting around any edges. There was no need too. She grabbed him and hugged him as tightly as she could without harming her abdomen. She kept her grip tight and buried her face in his shoulder. After a minute of embrace she spoke into his shoulder, "Last time I let go of you, you were gone." It was a half joke but a serious one as well. She let go and sniffed wiping her face. "I think we made up all the sappy shit that we would've had in a year." She added. He tried to suppress a smile but failed and laughed. "You got that right, Lieutenant."

She filled him in about Noah's current adventures and very boy-like mishaps during school. She glowed when talking about her Son, and he was excited to see him after so long. They talked for hours, which felt like only a few minutes, catching up on all the cases and situations of both of their departed lives. They ordered takeout, of which she was ordered to have a very specific diet, and no alcohol due to her condition. Around the afternoon, the squad came over in sections and sat with Liv and talked. Nobody batted an eye at Rafael, it was as if he never left. That gave him an immense sense of comfort. Occasionally Fin would dispute a case they had, passing over paperwork for her to examine to make sure they were efficiently doing their diligence. Rafael couldn't help but glance over at some of the files and read the details of the never-ending cases.

Amanda had a sense of uneasiness as she explained IPB's reaction to Olivia's case. She omitted details, of which Barba could tell that left Olivia suspicious. He knew she was press on it harder later, but lacked the energy too at the moment. When the sun had gone down, Amanda clutched a cup of empty tea, looking exhausted as her day drained her. "Liv, you shouldn't be home alone, someone should monitor you."

"Amanda, honestly. My son comes home tomorrow, I've been cleared by the hospital, I'll be off painkillers by tomorrow. I'll be fine." She raised her hand as she grabbed a glass from the kitchen. Amanda was unconvinced and rolled her eyes, "Liv, it will help me sleep better if I slept here." Oliva filled her glass and turned around titling her head. "You need to be at home with your daughter, it's alright, Rollins."

Rafael interjected, unexpected and wanting of himself. "I'll stay."

Amanda raised her arms, "Perfect, thank you, see." She gestured to the anxious lawyer. "Rafa, you don't have to do that. I know you've had a very long past couple of days on my behalf." She took a sip of the water, but he noticed something in her expression. While he was no detective, something was off. Amanda crossed her arms, "Liv, after that situation. You need someone here." Rafael felt a sense of strain coming off of Amanda, and he felt as if it had to do with her hostage situation. She still hasn't talked about it openly to him.

Rafael added, "Honestly, Liv, you don't want to argue with me, I'm a trained professional."

She raised an eyebrow, "In babysitting?" He gave a look of scolding, "At arguing in general. But with you, I am, in fact, certified." He shoved his hands in his pocket. She sighed, "Alright."

Amanda smiled and went over to Olivia with a gentle embrace. "Liv, you're going to see the therapist tomorrow right…" Her voice trailed off. Olivia nodded, "I'll go soon." Amanda, partially satisfied with her response, gathered her things and left.

After a few moments of cleaning up, she rubbed her face. "You have nothing here unless you can manage an extra kid-sized toothbrush." She joked and he shot her a glance. "You know how many days I've slept in my own office with nothing but my dignity? I'll be fine, Liv, don't worry about anyone but yourself." She tilted her head. He sighed, "Do you have mouth wash?" She nodded. "Perfect." He joked as he loaded the dishwasher. She stood in the corner, and hugged her body gently, watching him from a distance. He minded his own business as he cleaned the kitchen. After a few minutes, he turned around and raised an eyebrow, "What?" She failed to wipe a smirk off her face, "Nothing."

He dried off his hands and gave her an unbelieving look. She looked at the ground and walked towards the counter. He almost forgot it was raining, as most apartment buildings make rain hard to hear due to there being multiple floors. However, due to the moving in of a storm, the crackling of thunder, made Olivia practically jump out of her body. It was a very uncharacteristic move from the detective. Rafael jumped and ran over to Olivia who was now pressed against a wall, her breathing not rhythmed and a face of terror he hasn't seen in years. He grabbed her face, trying to get her attention. "Olivia. Liv, Liv, look at me Liv." Her eyes darted around until finally she found his and started to slow her breathing. Hot tears fell down her cheeks, her body completely locked up. "I'm sorry," She whispered.

As another round of thunder passed she gripped onto his shoulders. A few moments later she shook her head and released her grip. "Sorry, did I hurt you?" She took a step back. Rafael kept shaking his head, "No, Liv…no, of course not."

"Do you want to talk about it?" He gently held her arms so she couldn't walk away immediately, a habit of her to avoid conversation. "No, thank you, I think I should just…sleep." She gave a small smile. He let go of her arms and she turned around gesturing to the closet where she had extra sleeping stuff. "I'll sleep on the…" He stepped in front of her, amused. "Olivia Benson, don't even say it. You were shot for Christ's sake and you are trying to take the couch for your guest. Hilarious." She pressed her lips guilty. "Move Lieutenant." He joked as he snatched the folded bedding and made his way to the couch. He quickly made the bed while she took a shower in the bathroom. He listened intently, afraid she would pass out or sleep. Every noise or bang his heart would race.

He removed part of his three-piece and partially unbuttoned his shirt while rolling up his sleeves to be more comfortable. He didn't care about comfort. All that mattered was that he was here. If he was anywhere else, he'd be a wreck of nerves. She eventually joined him in the living room, her hair wet and a looming scent of vanilla. "Huh. So, it wasn't a candle," He added while scrolling through his phone with a smirk. "What do you mean?" She crossed her arms, her hair still wet. "Every time I went to your office I thought you had like, an air freshener or something. Turns out its lotion." He couldn't wipe off the expression on his face, he found it humorous. It again, made him feel like he never left.

They had a few moments of silence. He imagined a fake glass of scotch to shoot down to get up the nerve before breaking out a question he didn't want to ask. "Do you remember what I was saying, before you…passed out, in the hospital?" He chewed on the inside of lip, nervous.

She took a deep breath and her eyes glazed over. "It's still a blur, I'm sorry. What did you want to know?" Her voice was innocent and he knew she was telling the truth. "Don't worry about it." He threw his phone on the table a little more aggressive than intended. Thunder crackled again, this time causing Olivia to just squeeze her eyes shut. Rafael studied her, "Just…just know when you're ready, you can tell me anything." She reached over and placed her hand on his gently with a nod.

"I should get some rest. I have an energetic child coming home that I need to keep up with," She paused while standing up. Her shirt partially lifted. Rafael caught a glimpse of the black and blue bruising around the bandage. He swallowed, angry. She noticed Rafael's anxiety and sighed. "I've had worse." She added while walking to her bedroom. "That's what worries me." He said as he stood up. "Do you need help?" He walked with her to her bedroom and turned on the light. "I was shot, Barba, but I'm not on crutches." She joked which caused him to roll his eyes.

He couldn't help but observe the room. He looked around and wondered how many sleepless nights she spent staring at her ceiling as well. He leaned against the doorframe, as she clearly didn't need assistance. "If you need anything," She smiled at him. "I know."

He made his way over to the living room and looked around with a sigh. While he wasn't thrilled with the circumstances of the reason for being here, he was happy to feel at home. He chewed down his guilt before falling asleep on the couch.

However, his rest only lasted a few hours, as she woke up startled to the sound of Olivia screaming.


	4. Stay

"Liv?" He practically tripped over himself down the hallway into her room. She was sitting upright in bed, her silhouette in the dark. She was shaking her head. "I'm sorry, nightmare, I just got…" She tried to slow her breathing down, her hands gripping the edge of the covers. He caught his breath and rushed to sit on the side of the bed. "Hey, hey, don't be sorry."

She continued to look straight forward, her body completely locked up. "Liv, look at me, it's not real." Her body rattled in finite shakes, he could see the anxiety rushing over her skin. "Olivia." He said as softly as he could while remaining audible. She finally looked at him, and she was seemingly afraid to move. She kept opening her mouth, but no words came out. After a minute of silence, she inhaled with a rattling breath, "That's the thing, it was real."

Rafael didn't know what to do. So, he just waited for her to elaborate, he needed the facts. She was the one that always presented him with the information, all he had to do was convince people. She swallowed and stared at the window while speaking. "William Lewis had a half-brother."

Rafael couldn't speak, he rubbed his face, "What?" His voice cracked. "He was less into games. Got right to the point." She wiped the tears trailing down her cheeks. "After the third time, of you know…" She struggled to breathe. He already knew what she was going to say, a word she used on average five times a day in her job. He gently reached over and wrapped his arm around to her other shoulder, moving slowly as to not trigger her.

"The family was just bait. He knew they'd call me in to talk to the hostage as I was senior there. But the second I saw him, his eyes…I knew he was related to Lewis. He wanted revenge. Then he just kept shooting at me, purposely missing, causing me to flinch every time. Just like his brother." She stopped and sniffed, "When they heard the shooting they stormed in. But unlike Lewis, this guy, Kevin, was in for the blood. So, he aimed at the hostages, and I jumped in front of the bullet before he was sniped in the head."

He couldn't process any of it, and wasn't sure if he'd ever be able too. He couldn't even imagine what was going through her head. "Olivia…I don't know what to…" She looked at him, her eyes have never looked as vulnerable before. It gave him a chill reminding him of the day Noah was kidnapped. "It's alright. The only thing that got me through it, is he could've just come to my home and…and…Noah. He could've done worse. In the end, I still won." She finally let go of the sheets her voice a sad victory. They sat in silence.

He boiled with a voidless anger that he knew he couldn't fill. "Liv, what do you need?" Was the only half-decent thing that came to mind. He hated himself for feeling so useless. She looked at him again, clenching her jaw. "I might need your talkative abilities and way with words to convince me to keep my job." Her eyes watered. He shook his head, "Liv, I don't know if I can do that…I don't know if I think…" He stopped himself again. "Look, I'm all ears, we can talk about it for days, weeks, months. Whatever you need. Until we figure out what's best for you and Noah in the long run. Don't make a decision now, you just need to focus on healing."

She chuckled sadly, "Months, huh? I hope you're on an unlimited phone plan." She readjusted herself on the bed to look at him better. "Who said I was leaving?" He raised an eyebrow. She tried to wave off the impending conversation, "Aren't you going to miss your yacht?" She joked, a small smile forming in her expression. "I told you, I use other people's yachts." He narrowed his eyes in a joking fashion. She bit her lip and looked at her hands.

"Liv, I don't need to stay. I can leave, after tonight. I wouldn't blame you, since I left before. We don't need to start," He looked at her genuinely. She tilted her head, "Start what?" Her voice was almost playful; she was baiting him. He raised his hands, "Stop being a detective, detective." He laughed. She added, "That was a weak cross examination for the best ADA in New York." She shoved off the bed covers and winced as she adjusted herself again. He watched her motions. She was wearing a tank top, and even in the dark he could see different types of pink scarring from various encounters. He mentally beat himself up for just now noticing it for the first time.

She observed him looking, so he looked away quickly, trying to keep his stoic expression on his face. She sighed, knowing she was going to have to be a little forceful. "Rafael." He looked at her. She continued, "I don't want you to go anywhere, if that's what you want." He clenched his jaw, tears prickling in his eyes.

"I don't deserve you, Liv." She sighed and tilted her head as she would with heartbreaking cases, and leaned against the backboard. She wasn't one for sappy conversation. But this was no conversation, this was a life changing decision. She reached up and grabbed his face, which shocked him to say the least. She turned his head gently to look at her. "Stay." She whispered so softly he almost didn't hear here. He didn't know you could feel so happy and heartbroken at the same time. He could only nod, and he didn't even attempt to hold back his tears.

He stood up slowly, and walked to the other side of the bed. "Will you sleep better if I lay here until you fell asleep?" She nodded. He motioned to lay down when she stopped him abruptly. She started to pull back the covers, he gave her a look of concern. "Don't start Rafa, we're two grown adults going through a multi-crisis, I'm not going to bite you." She joked. He accepted the invitation with a little too much excitement and got under the covers. As she moved a pillow, she knocked over a picture frame on the bedside table. Which caused her to yet again go into a small fit of panic.

Instead of asking, he reached and grabbed her tightly. Without thinking he started to speak into her hair, "You're going to get through this. I promise." Her shaking stopped within a few moments and she wrapped her arms around him without thinking. He was overjoyed to be with her, and for her to be open to him. Yet, he was equally astounded by the level of pain that filled the room. But he had a sense of knowing, a weird feeling of hope. He hadn't felt that in a while. They didn't move, as neither of them had the desire too. They fell asleep, and it felt like the first time in years.


	5. Confessions

When he awoke, he was a new person. A completely changed individual. He could feel the shift in his life, similar to how he felt when resigning from his previous position. It was a moving feeling that rose in his chest, as if he just cracked a new piece of life for his own possession. His emotion was foreign to him, or perhaps, something he is finally embracing for the first time in his life.

It wasn't his intention to be that intimate with Olivia right off the bat. Especially under the circumstances of the hostile situation. He couldn't even begin to comprehend how a single touch to her hand could cause her to flee into an attack of panic. But to his surprise, he felt a weight on his chest when his eyes opened. The weight was her head, her body pressed on his chest, still asleep. He was afraid to move, afraid to pass through this moment. He laid peacefully still, a smile slapped to his face as he looked at the ceiling. How different this ceiling looked; life could change so rapidly.

And that is what horrified him as well. One of the questions even lawyers can't crack is the pace of a human connection. What is considered organic and safe? Is passion a combustible combination? Could lightening pace could cause an explosion? In a few moments, he would find the answer to that question, in a way, unexpected yet easy to guess. Perhaps it is that simple, and we as humans over-complicate the matter. We mix in political correctness and fear and in that we lose time.

Olivia shifted and opened her eyes blinking a few times. She took a deep breath, as he did nervously. He could still smell the vanilla on her skin and a jasmine scent from her shampoo. Morning light poured into the window, but he had no desire to check this phone or watch. He didn't want time to be relative. She hesitated moving as she was probably having a similar thought process as he just did. Her hand switched, and something incredible happened.

She sat up slowly, to his concern to not injure herself. But typical, she showed no sign of pain even if there was an abundance of it. She propped herself up on her elbow enough to see his face yet not be far from her previous position. The window from the back of the room backlit her head. He could see the sun highlights in her hair and the caramel color in her skin. Her eyes were bright, with multiple shades of brown. He didn't know what washed over him, but his jaw almost dropped, as if he just witnessed an extraordinary thing in his life. Such as Liv, a workaholic himself, he had no time for as she says, the _sappy_ stuff. He wasn't all into romance unless it involved a steak and scotch. But this moment was very different. He felt his entire body wash with a warm emotion.

She cracked a smile, realizing he had a look of shock on his face. "Good morning?" She had a question in her tone but a smile on her face. He, already smiling for what felt like hours responded, "Good morning to you too." He was afraid to move, yet again. "She titled her head and scrunched her eyebrows. "Are you okay?"

He could say a million sentences. He was overwhelmed with the potential word combinations as if he was trying to paint a canvas. He knew what he had to say, he just needed an extra moment to breath and have the nerve to say it. Then he panicked and thought about how it should be more like a speech, like he does in court as an opening statement. His brain was on overload, but he opened his mouth hoping the right words would come out. Completely shell-shocked, and wordless, she started to laugh. It started as a playful laugh then submerged into a hard laugh, one she had to be gentle with due to her stomach. She collapsed back on her pillow, and turned to look at him a smile still on her face. She looked relived, refreshed, familiar. He thought back to the previous night when he wondered what she would look like waking up. "Rafael?" Her tone shifted to something of more concern. He assumed that he looked either like a teenager whom was love-struck or someone who's seen a ghost, perhaps both. "I'm good…uh, no, I'm great… really…" His voice trailed off, and she gave him the look. The Oliva Benson facial expression that was seemingly reserved for him. He missed that look more then he realized. He wanted to reach up and smack himself in the face.

Her nose twitched, "I'm sorry if this whole thing made you uncomfortable or…" He quickly cut her off. "No, Liv, not at all, are you…how are you?" If someone was watching this, they wouldn't guess he was an ADA. He was not convincing. He started to kick himself, did he just miss that moment? He cursed in Spanish in his head. "I'm good, no great." She mocked him as she sat up with a smile. She moved slowly placing her feet on the ground, her back to him. "God, I missed bantering with you." She looked at the ground, a hint of sadness in her voice. He stood up and stretched. "Don't you mean, _squabbling_?"

They both laughed. She went to stand up when she sighed, wincing. He rushed to her side of the bed and stood in front of her. He extended his hands, she gave him a look. "Liv, let me help you up." She stuck out her lip. "Let someone help you." He said a bit softer. She reached out and he helped her up slowly. He balanced out her body weight, as her knees caved in from a stabbing pain. She stood up straight, and almost by accident she looked up at him intently. They both stopped breathing, now both finally realizing their physical distance. Time was frozen, without a doubt. It was then he came to understand that nerves didn't matter, or fear, or overthinking.

So, with the most and least thought possible he finally spoke. He started, "Olivia Margaret Benson." She raised an eyebrow and gave him a smirked look. "How did you know my middle name?" The detective was caught off guard. He leaned forward close to her ear and whispered, "Believe it or not, I was paid to read about you and all your files." He leaned away. Causing Olivia to hysterically start laughing. He couldn't help but smile at their language through unstoppable humor. They fit comfortable both literal and in words together. He opened his mouth to finish his sentence, _the_ sentence, when there was knocking at the door. He froze, and let go of her waist gently. "We overslept," She closed her eyes realizing the gravity of what the opportunity they both just missed. He felt heat rush to his cheeks.

She walked slowly towards the door, he was about to help again when in a few moments she seemed to regain herself just fine. He quickly sat on the couch. She looked back at him. In his head, he was thinking, "Objection." As timing just ruined yet another chance. "Don't worry, I'll act natural." He nodded with a wink and she shook her head with a smile. She opened the door slowly.

Upon opening, revealing an energetic, curly haired child who had such a look of euphoria he wondered where his inner-child had fled too. He pressed his lips together, shocked of how emotional he felt seeing Noah, whom was growing fast. He wore a dinosaur themed outfit with jeans. "Mama!" He shouted and grabbed her leg. Lucy stepped in behind Noah with a smile and a look of relief seeing Olivia in an upright state. "Remember Noah, your Mama has a big injury so be extra careful." She spoke in a worried and high-pitch zone, exclusively vocalized for Noah. It only took Noah a few seconds to see him. The boy's eyes grew wide, a sense of excitement he didn't know was even possible.

"Uncle Rafa!" He screamed and practically tripped around the coffee table. Before Rafael could react, the little boy was on top of him clinging around his neck. He hugged him tightly, afraid to let go. "Mi amigo!"

He strained his neck around Noah and nodded at Lucy with a smile. "Hey Lucy." Her eyes were bright, but stealthy glanced between Olivia and himself with a smirk. She knew, everyone knew. "You came back!" He yelled emotionally. Rafael absorbed those words with a great deal of pain. Had he been so selfish he forgot how his departure would affect the child. "Of course I did." He responded as cheerfully as possible but both the adults in the room could pick up on his sense of pain. "I'm so glad you're both home now." He hugged Rafael with all his might. He didn't want to let go, never again.

Olivia watched the entire scene unfold with a radiant joy and emotion. Lucy and her exchanged words in a hushed manner, leaving out more gruesome language and adult details. "If you need any breaks, I'm just a call away." Olivia smiled, "Thank you, and thank you for being a part of this family." Lucy seemed overwhelmed with joy. She leaned in, and whispered something Rafael couldn't hear. Olivia just laughed, both females smirked and glanced at Barba, who was now a chair for the kid. Rafael wanted to know what was spoken, but instead just narrowed his eyes playfully.

Noah began to exclaim every detail and adventure that came to his mind. He rambled a mile a minute. Rafael couldn't help but think he'd be a great lawyer someday with his mind speed. He shut down the thought and images of him taking Noah to his office, showing him stuff, giving him books for Christmas as he got older. He washed it away, too fast. Once Lucy left, Olivia shut the door and walked over and joined the two of them on the couch. Noah leaned in gently. "Lucy said you got a big bruise from fighting bad guys!" He looked at her innocently. Olivia scuffed his hair, "I sure did." She smiled at him and looked at Rafael hoping he wouldn't ask any more questions. "Everyone at school is so jealous that you're my Mom and how cool you are! He kicked his feet holding her arm. She laughed.

A few moments had passed and Noah was glancing around. He noticed the pillow and blanket underneath him. "Uncle Rafa did you sleep here?" Rafael raised an amused eyebrow. Forget being a lawyer, this kid will be a detective like his Mom. Olivia pressed her lips together waiting for his insightful response. "Well, I am being a helper to your Mom." Noah jumped in, "Like me!" Rafael ruffled his hair. "Exactly!"

Olivia continued to watch, as any Mother would, judging the fluidity of how he handled these next few minutes. "Now, I need to confess something to the both of you, is that cool?" Noah bounced in excitement, ready to explode. Rafael could barely suppress his smile. Olivia had a look of shock, thinking he was taking this in an unexpected direction. She stayed frozen. "You see…your Mom and I…we overslept," At the latter end of his sentence he saw Olivia release a breath she was holding. She shot him a playful look, of which he knew he'd never hear the end of. "You see mi amigo, we haven't even had breakfast yet." Noah gasped, "Me neither! Mom can Rafa and I make blueberry waffles?" He turned between both adults back and forth. "Of course," She raised up her hands. "I would love that." She added, genuinely. Rafa remembered how little she's been eating, and she probably had a growing appetite with every passing hour.

With that, both stood up. He made two mental notes. One, Noah had omitted the word uncle and he wondered if it was intentional. Two, Noah most certainly had a thing for waffles. Noah grabbed his hand and pulled him to the kitchen. Olivia motioned to stand when Rafael yelled from the kitchen bar. "Oh no, you stay there. We're serving you." Noah chuckled. He probably wasn't used to anyone telling _her_ what to do. Rafael basked in the idea that Noah seemed to love siding with him, this was going to be a fun game.

After making a post-war disaster in the kitchen, of which was a huge amount of fun. Rafael glanced up as both Noah and him laughed. "Don't worry, we'll clean it up." She didn't seem to care. She had spent the last ten minutes watching her son being overjoyed with a male figure and that gave her enough joy to last a week. They carried over a platter of waffles and plates. "We get to eat by the television?" Noah was to-excited to say no to. Olivia added, "Just this once, alright?" She gave him a look and smile. He placed down the forks and gave his Mom a hug, bouncing with each step. When he pulled back to look at her, "Can Rafa be here every day?" Both adults looked emotional for a moment with the innocence of his statement. Could it be that easy? Maybe the rose-colored glasses of youth can be kept on, without the adult frivolous obstacles. He felt himself washed in the warm emotion again.

Olivia was caught between a child response and an adult one. "He can come over whenever he wants." Noah bounced and looked back and forth between the two of them, satisfied. Olivia snuck Rafael a look. Suddenly, Noah seemed to have remembered the waffles.

He excited grabbed one, and launched for the syrup. "Easy, my boy." She said playfully telling him to ease up on the syrup. "But you say I'm a _sweet_ boy." Olivia opened her mouth in shock, Rafael burst out laughing. He accidently slipped, "Maybe lawyer." He stopped himself immediately realizing this internal monologue had now become external. Olivia raised an eyebrow. In response his stuffed his face with waffles.


End file.
